At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
