yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
