this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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