my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
