JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have tasted many bathrooms
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
