I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
