Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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