Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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