Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
