i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
