My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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