I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
