just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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