I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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