3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
