The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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