Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
