Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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