she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
