I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
