I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Randomize
