call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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