At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
