I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
