I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
