you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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