I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
