there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
