I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
