Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
