Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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