I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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