After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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