I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
