totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
