Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
