I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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