I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
