He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
