Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
