Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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