i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
