guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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