my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You may now shotgun with the bride
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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