I forgot how hot balto sounded
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
