my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
