Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
