I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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