It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
