Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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